A (Partial) Guide to Surviving Middle Earth
by Lucillia
Summary: So, you've landed in Middle-Earth. Now that you're there, here's a couple of tips for surviving beyond your first few hours.


So, you've found yourself in Middle-Earth. You may or may not have been wishing for this, but if you have, it shows a serious lack of intelligence on your part, seeing as you've just landed in a version of the Dark Ages that is populated with some very interesting monsters.

As if a technologically deficient society with ordinary people wasn't bad enough...

**General Survival Tips:**

Firstly: Beer is most likely your friend in this environment. Sure, you might spend most of the day slightly buzzed or even completely off-kilter depending on the alcohol content and on your individual level of alcohol tolerance, but that's much better than getting the trots. If you can't find any drink that has most likely killed off all the little animals in it during the process of its creation, then my advice is to filter, boil, filter again, and boil for a second time just to be on the safe side. Remember, water isn't that filtered, chlorinated, fluoridated and reasonably sanitized stuff that comes out of the kitchen sink, it's that stuff that people and animals have pissed, crapped, lived and died in.

Secondly: Stick close to civilization. Sure, you'll probably be robbed of what few if any possessions you have, but it's better than being eaten by trolls or dragons or being enslaved by goblins or orcs (though that and more may still happen if the city/town your are in gets raided). If you're within the boundaries of civilization, you have a better chance of getting a job of some sort, even if it's as a local prostitute, and a job means money, food, a place to stay, and a possibly reasonably sanitary place to crap. That, and you might be lucky enough to find a spouse to take care of you. Sure, you're far far more likely to be a peasant's wife/husband than that of say an elf or a nobleman, but at least you've got a roof over your head and someone to make babies with.

Fourthly: Do not pick up any shiny objects that aren't money. Odds are that they're magical artifacts from time immemorial and that there's some sort of hellish quest attached, which means months of walking in a half-starved state while dodging orcs and other beasties, since there's no such thing as cars or aeroplanes.

In fact, it would probably be best to stay where you are and try avoiding touching anything that isn't food or can't be turned into such with a reasonable application of heat, especially if there is more than one dwelling in the area, seeing as odds are good that you'd probably end up getting lost in the Misty Mountains or Mirkwood if you start hiking over to that interesting bit of scenery "over there" and towns are very few and far between.

Fifthly: If you encounter anything more dangerous than say a rabbit for instance, doing your best Sir Robin imitation would be advisable.

For advice on how to imitate Sir Robin, this verse from the Ballad of Sir Robin is particularly informative:

_Brave Sir Robin ran away._

_Bravely ran away, away!_

_When danger reared its ugly head,_

_He bravely turned his tail and fled._

_Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about_

_And gallantly he chickened out._

_Bravely taking to his feet_

_He beat a very brave retreat,_

_Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!_

Sixth: Stay the hell away from the elves. They may seem nice enough in the books, but anything that's been kicking ass since the dawn of time is sure to be dangerous, and odds are that if they don't toss you out for annoying them (drooling over them, pawing at them, calling them cute, asking them to marry you, in short, sexually harassing them), they'll probably send you on a quest or something in order to get rid of you.

Seventh: In order to improve your lot in life, try to learn a trade of some sort, preferably one that doesn't involve traveling or handling dangerous objects. Weaving is surprisingly easy to learn, though it takes years to truly master as most if not all crafts do. Since the residents of Middle Earth are for the most part extremely sexist, women may have some problems in this area unless the crafts they try to learn are traditionally considered "women's work".

**Surviving a Quest:**

So, you've ignored my advice and gone and picked up a shiny object of some sort that turned out to have some sort of destiny attached, or so the elves claimed when you somehow found your way into Rivendell after following the vague directions from the Hobbit.

First thing to remember: There is no need to learn the fancy footwork other warriors have been spending years, decades, centuries, or even millennia learning, and unless you know it from before you arrived, don't even try to bother with archery. The thing you need to remember is that the pointy end of the weapon (pike, spear, dagger, sword, etc...) goes into the enemy. If your weapon gets stuck in a dead or wounded enemy, don't waste time trying to pull it out, just grab their weapon if you can and keep going.

Second thing to remember: Learn any and all plant lore you can for the regions you are traveling through. The first thing you should learn is not about healing herbs however. The first thing you should inquire about is if there is a local equivalent to that old "Leaves of three, let it be." rhyme. It's bad enough that you're going to have to go in a bush, you don't need to compound this by wiping your ass with the local equivalent of poison ivy.

Thirdly: If an elf has been sent on your journey with you, then it's a sure bet that your journey has upgraded from the trip from Hades (that relatively boring afterlife where the dead just sort of wander around) to the trip from Hell (fire, brimstone, screaming, torture, the works). Either that, or the guys back home want pictures of your suffering and/or any stupid things you might do during the trip. Check and see if your companion has brought a sketchpad with him or her. If he or she has, then maybe there is some hope of survival. Your dignity may not survive, but hey, you don't need it to live.

Fourth: Don't insult anybody. Pissing someone off is a good way to get killed. If there is a way to politely greet Goblins, Orcs, Uruk-Hai, et cetera, try to learn it as quickly as possible. They might be just the teeniest bit less likely to kill you if you're respectful. Then again, they might just kill you for fun.

Fifth which really should've been first on both lists: Pick up some basic wilderness survival skills pronto!

Now that you've listened to my advice and apparently haven't run screaming for the hills in the hopes that there's a magical portal back home to be found, have fun.


End file.
